The five elements are a model of understanding nature. The five elements were first used in farming practices, in order to understand the best practices year round. It is important to recognize that this model is not meant to be abstract, but rather a reflection of what is happening on the ground. People, personalities and children—all being aspects of the natural world—will exhibit the same attributes as anything else in nature. Therefore, the five elements are a perfect, and grounded model for understanding human beings, children being no exception.
In experiencing the nature of children, our modern culture has some misconceptions about what is and isn’t appropriate in health. This misunderstanding about what is and isn’t a natural expression of health can lead us to pathologize our kids and attempt to correct an issue where there is actually a strength.
For an earth element-their worry is an opportunity for the power of empathy.
For a metal element-their sadness and grief is an opportunity for deep clarity and reverence
For a wood element-their frustration and anger is an opportunity for perseverance and creativity
For a fire element-their emotional sensitivity and vulnerability is an opportunity for loving connection and joy.
For a water element-their fear and caution is an opportunity for vigilance and deep wisdom.
As a Chinese medicine practitioner, I do not hope for nature to bend to my will or intellectual pursuits, but rather seek to understand the nature of a human being through this thorough and accurate reflection called five element theory. It follows that children, and all human beings, live within the realm of the 5 elements as well. Within this framework, we develop personality traits, coping mechanisms, virtues and abilities that go beyond basic physiology or psychology. These elemental archetypes are latched onto in early childhood as a way to view the world and to exist within it. By understanding these archetypes, and beginning to study their depth, we can come to know other human beings in ways otherwise not possible. By understanding the archetype within which a child is acting, we can have more flexibility and wisdom in how we guide them in their endeavors.
Because the five elements are a reflection of nature, it becomes possible to accept and understand the various natures of our children through it. Through the five elements, we can understand whether a behavior or trait is healthy or whether it is out of balance. There is no good or bad. The goal, rather, is to help our children become the best and most full versions of their authentic selves. With the understanding provided by the five elements, this support and knowledge becomes possible in novel ways that are not readily available in western culture and language. Through the five elements, we are able to support what is good and true, rather than chase what is problematic or “different”.
The truth is, we always view our world through various lenses. I am simply offering the lens of the five elements as I have found it to be the most powerful and versatile took for understanding anyone and everything. The five elements encompass everything and have deep and ancient roots.
Every child has an element that needs the most support. This is the element you can go back to again and again. When your child is sick, or disregulated, acting in service of this particular element will be like a key to bring them back into focus and attunement.
There are clinical ways of diagnosing the element, called the CF. In this writing, I will only describe the 5 element types, and through this you can recognize which element belongs to your child. It is also ok to experiment with more than one element. First, work with the element you think is most likely—see the effects. If this resonates with your child, and changes your rapport with them in a positive way—stick with it. If it doesn’t seem to resonate after a few tries, move to the next most likely element.
This will require flexibility on your part. Acting in the energy of an element may require you to change your tendencies to act and react in certain ways. If you are a fire element, your go-to may be to emotionally connect, to be vulnerable. However, if your child is a wood CF, what they require is directness, clarity and solutions. You can approach the Childs element in a way that is still authentic to you. In this scenario, you can provide a wood-like energy to your child while remaining your joyful, vulnerable fiery self.
Once you find out the element that resonates most with your child, and provides the most benefit, your ability to speak their language will increase drastically.
Lets start by learning about each of the element types. Contemplate which one resonates the most with your child. Often there will be aspects of multiple elements in each child. Try to meditate on which one feels the most authentic.
“My frustration and seeming stubbornness is rooted in my vision and dreams for a beautiful world. I am the energy of spring, so I intend to grow tall and expansive like a tree. Anything that blocks my beautiful growth needs to be dealt with. Sometimes I will seem uncaring when I treat people like objects in the way. Sometimes I will become angry when I don’t get my way. What I sometimes need is to redefine my vision, and see the big picture more clearly. I can become over fixated on obstacles and on action. I need to be able to rest and dream, to plan. You can help me immensely by asking me questions about my plan. It is so important you do not put a damper on my plans. You can never say “it isn’t possible”. I am prone to hopelessness, so telling me what isn’t possible is the wrong approach. ON the other hand, I am endlessly hopeful. I know for a fact that there is always a way. IF you are not going to help me, then get out of my way. My vision is beautiful and for the good of humanity. My creative plans and actions are my lifeblood and should be supported whole heartedly, without hesitation.
At times, you may help me to adjust my vision to see things more clearly. You may give me information that helps my perspective—these are things that will make me feel seen and known by you. Nurturing my creativity and propensity for action and growth—this is how you treat a wood child like me. Set aside all your disbelief, and try to see what I see—It is so bright and clear.”
“My vulnerability is my superpower. I allow my hearts light to shine upon those I am close with, and I trust that they will not hurt me. I can become closed off to some people, who do not deserve access to my joy. I am sometimes called “overly sensitive”, but the truth is I see exactly the hurt that is being caused. I may take things personally a lot. Its important to connect with me in an honest and vulnerable way. Do not put my feelings second. My connection and joy are what guides me in life. They have their own wisdom and will get me through if nurtured.”
The Fire type needs: One on one communication, heartfelt communication, rest, vulnerability, expression, passion, joy.
“I can tell the truth of words. I can contemplate what has integrity and what does not. I need everything to fit together, and if it does not then I will feel the instability. Everything should be in balance, and I will ask questions until it feels that way. I need my thoughts to come full circle. I need everything to come full circle and connect. Many of my questions seem obvious, many of my concerns seem overly sensitive. However, these questions and concerns come from a deep sense of integrity. I know what is needed for everything to be whole, and full. Honor my sense of integrity by fully answering my questions, by being very honest and by reassuring me as many times as I need.
I am deeply considerate. I care so much that sometimes it hurts. I cannot let something go if it is not understood. If someone is hurting, I feel it in my stomach and my digestion suffers.
The reason I repeat the same questions over and over is that they have not been adequately answered. I need the full context and to be assured of the whole picture.
I love comfort. I love big family gatherings around a big table. I love the harvest, the gathering, the community. I love to be well fed, to be a part of something, and to think and think of everything.”
My solitude is actually a communion. When you say I look sad, or worry about my priorities, know that it makes me feel misunderstood. In fact, I am connecting with everything, not just the norms of society. I love animals, plants, rocks, bugs and everything in life. It is all connected and humans are only one small part of it. I see the beauty of it all. My sadness is only a problem when it stems from being misunderstood. Otherwise, my sadness comes from a deep understanding of the world and humanity. I care for all the animals, I care for all the rocks. The sky has feelings too. You may think this is absurd, but I can feel it and see it. My reality is a more true reality. I dont need fairy tales. The world is beautiful as it is, the pain, the suffering the death are all a part of it. It is an insult to me, and to the world, to ignore the “bad” parts.
“It may seem that I am dramatic, or on the flip side, that I am small and nervous. I feel everything deeply. Sometimes I need to make myself big, and shake everything up, so that the truth can be seen. I am a truth seeker, regardless of consequence. I will cause drama, big or small. I want you to go with me to the depths, to be playful with me in seeking this truth. I can be profound, and also can appear silly and all over the place. My will is very strong, and unbreakable like water. I am constantly moving, even when I am still. I am hyper-vigilent and can sense everything around me.
The water child will often be overly cautious. It is important to guide them without restricting them. This is like a river bed that guides the river but concentrates its force rather than suppressing it.
A water person is still but always moving.
Earth Controls water, and keeps it held. Like a river bed guiding the rushing river. To help a water child, do not suppress or try to control. Instead, firmly guide and provide the space for them to expand and flow.
Often times the hardest struggle you encounter in your own life, and in the lives of children, is also the potential for the greatest gift.
For example, an earth child may become obsessive, unable to move on from an issue. They may be persistent, ruminating on the cause. This child may also be the one with common stomach discomfort-nausea, pain etc.
What that earth child is seeking is not for you to repeat the same answers over and over. The child is looking for a full understanding. They may not know the right questions to ask. It is important to take a more holistic view of what they are seeking.
An earth child thrives in empathy, integrity, comfort, wholeness, reassurance. If they are stuck on something, it is because they know the full picture is not being shown, and they feel incomplete. It is far more better for an earth element to receive difficult information than it is for them to not know.
Talk with an earth element, and find out what they need to know. Tell them the whole truth.
There is an example of this in each element. For water, their fearfulness is actually their almost supernatural awareness. The smallness of a water CF could be because they don’t feel they can be their whole intense self.
For fire, their personal hurt is a symptom of their ability to connect impersonally.
For metal their sullen and disconnected seeming energy is actually their ability to connect with all of nature, with art, with the universe itself.
For wood, their frustration and disdain for obstacles is their benevolent nature of wanting everything to be clear and bright and beautiful. Wood people are creative and need their vision to come to fruition.
It is always beneficial to try to understand where our children are coming from. Doing so, often times, is all that is required for them to regulate.
It is healthy and worthwhile to explore each element with them. Hold the space of that element. Look at them through the lens of that element, and see how they respond.
